March 16th is not a very important date in my calendar. There's no birthdays or anniversaries or any other specific occasion that makes this day memorable. Thinking back to it, however, made me realize that in relation to the events coming before it, this day now matters a lot.
As in my "New Beginnings"-blog entry, I again had the epiphany that one cannot truly function when living in illusion and denial and regret.
Regret is something I am not really sure about. Sometimes I deeply regret the mistakes I have made in my life, mostly the ones where I eventually hurt someone else. Then again, public opinion and personal experience teach us that mistakes are necessary for our development and therefore we should not regret them since those mistakes in the past made us who we are.
Why can't we become developed people, though, without making mistakes and hurting others?
Why is there always someone who has to suffer from the actions of somebody else?
And we can apply that globally, too....after all, why do we have wars and disagreements if not for the mistakes that people make one way or another and therefore hurt others?
It's true, I wouldn't know and feel what I do now if I hadn't made those mistakes in the past. Nobody would.
Still, I regret that those mistakes HAD to happen for me to see things clearly.
And clearly I saw in the early hours of March 16th that I could no longer live and stay healthy with it like I thought I could, since I only made a fool out of myself for believing I could fix everything and nothing for everybody with simple words and actions. Simple and human relationships do not go well together.
No matter what connection we have to another human being, family, friend, or love ties, there's always complications involved, and therefore compromises are invented to fix those complications.
The deal here is just to find out how many compromises are necessary and how many are unbearable.
And I guess as soon as there's no strong enough feeling of necessity and a much stronger feeling of mismatch of ideals and ideas, there's no way in continuing down that path.
The solution is finding a new path, together or separate, which all parties involved can walk on and be comfortable with. The clue here is whether we think something is worthwhile or not, and I am very happy to note that I begin to find out more and more what is worth my while and what is not.
Certainly fate or luck or whatever other circumstance brought me closer to the realization that it is important to follow gut feeling - to live now and not yesterday or tomorrow-, but one should not forget to consider the end of all the paths we could go along.
